How can I make my spouse fear a separation or divorce?
Sometimes I hear from people whose spouse has announced that they want to separate or divorce. Most of the people I hear from disagree with this, but of course there are two people in any marriage, so just one person who wants to stay together doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to happen. Therefore, many spouses who do not want to break up (even temporarily) will try many different methods to force their spouse to change their mind. Many will try to use logic and repeated arguments. Either they will try coercion or gentle pressure. When none of these work, they will often try to step up their game towards negative or “tough love” tactics, in which they are trying to force or scare your husband into changing his mind.
Someone might say, “My husband initially said he wanted a divorce, but then I got really angry and begged him to think about our children. So he backed off and said maybe we could consider a separation. I don’t want a separation either. It would be disastrous. for our family and my husband is really being a baby going through a midlife crisis. We don’t need to separate or divorce. He just needs a little bit of reality for him to realize how good he is. I have tried many things to make him see this. I’ve tried to be very nice, but he doesn’t play ball. So now I’m trying to think of a strategy to scare him into dropping everything. I’ve thought about telling him that I won’t make it easy for him to see children, but my friends warn me not to do this. They say it is a cheap blow. Aside from threatening to take you to the dry cleaner financially or to tell you that you will never find anything that makes you happier, what p What can I do to scare him? this? “
I know what you’re going through. When my husband wanted a separation, I tried many tactics to change his mind. I am going to tell you what I learned through experience, although you may not like what I am going to tell you. Many of the tactics that we find appealing are short-term tactics because we want immediate results. Our worst fear is separation or divorce, so we are willing to do almost anything to prevent that from happening. However, because we are so scared, we feel like we need results now. We feel like we can’t afford to wait one bit. But in my experience, those short-term tactics not only don’t work, they also make things worse. I am still married today, but I ended the separation and saved my marriage using long-term tactics. This was difficult because I also wanted immediate results. But if I had stayed with those plans that were based on my husband’s anger and fear, I would not be married today. I have no doubt about it.
Think about this for a second. Change positions with your husband. Pretend that you are the one who wants the rest. How would you react if your husband suddenly threatened you with the inability to see your children? Or with sudden poverty simply because you wanted to be happy? Of course, not only would you be angry and frustrated, but you probably wouldn’t want to willingly and enthusiastically reconcile with someone who wanted to hurt you in this way.
The most effective way to get your husband to end the separation or divorce is to gently encourage him to want to be with you and to want to continue your marriage. This offers the most positive outcome because you are happy and willing to do it. He is not resentful and dragging his feet because you used negative tactics.
On the other hand, making him want to be there often takes time. It is not something that usually happens after a threat or conversation. You need to be a skilled communicator during this difficult time in your relationship. You need to use all the emotional intelligence you have to try to empathize with him instead of anger towards him. Why? Because you’re going to get a much better response from him (and a greater chance of reconciliation) if you don’t immediately present yourself as his adversary or as someone who opposes him. Instead, you want to emphasize that you are his loving wife, and because of this, you want to work with him to make both of you happy. I know the challenge it will feel. Believe me, I have made it. And yet this strategy worked far better than trying to manipulate my husband into feeling scared or frustrated. At the end of the day, you want him to be happy because that is really the only way that you are going to have a happy marriage and you are going to feel safe with your reconciliation.