Sometimes I hear from people who actually believe that saving their marriage after their spouse’s affair would be ideal. This is what they would really like to see happen, at least in a perfect world. But when that very world has been torn apart by the deepest betrayal imaginable, then it’s hard to keep believing in perfection. So some people give up on the idea of ​​perfection and would settle for simple happiness instead. But many people doubt that this is possible. While they may believe that they can save their marriage through determination, they doubt if they will ever be truly secure and happy in their marriage again.

You might get an example like: “My husband and I are absolutely determined to save our marriage, even though he cheated on me and had an affair. And the reason for this is our little twin daughters. I don’t want them to grow up without a father to full time, who they adore. I think my husband really thought he had real feelings for the other woman, but he’s willing to put them aside to save our family. It’s come up in our conversations that he doesn’t “see me the same way.” way I used to, so I actually think if it weren’t for our kids, I’d rather be with her. However, that is not going to happen. I feel like he’s a little sorry and I know it.” I’m very resentful. So while we’re holding out, we’re not really happy and I wonder if we ever will be again. It seems like true happiness after an affair isn’t something we usually to really talk. you talk about keeping your marriage but no one really tells you that it’s going to be a happy marriage in the end. I’m at the point in my life where I realize I’m not going to live forever. I want to have happy days most of the time I don’t want to sleepwalk through life miserable and resigned I guess my question is asking is it rare for married couples to be happy after an affair What percentage of married couples return to a place happy and what percentage just goes through the motions?”

I tried to research this topic to give a scientifically sound number. And I think the answer depends on who you ask. I have seen claims that between ten and twenty-five percent of married people who saved their marriage after an affair considered themselves happily married later on. (I think the number would probably go higher than this for couples who have had the affair behind them for many years. But that’s just my opinion.)

Regardless of whether you think the number is on the low or high end, this is a pretty depressing number. I have to admit that most of the correspondence I receive is from people who are struggling. It’s less common for me to hear of people who have completed their healing and are now happy and have moved on. But sometimes I hear from those people too and it always makes my day when I do.

I have a theory about some of the things that I think separate couples who can restore their happiness and those who can’t. The happiest couples are usually those who are willing to work the hardest. Let’s be honest. This is not a nice thing. It’s much easier to want to gloss over problems to get things back to “normal” as quickly as possible. This can be especially true when you have children because you don’t want to put the stress on them and you don’t want them to know that something is wrong.

But, if you don’t really figure out how and why things went wrong, you can’t fix this properly. And, if you don’t do everything you can to fully restore trust and show true remorse, then the anger and suspicion will still be there. You can’t really be happy again when you’re deeply angry, resentful, or mistrustful.

It takes a tremendous amount of work, time, and determination to overcome these things. It is not comfortable or easy. Some couples just aren’t willing to do this. Some prefer to pretend that things are going well when in reality they are not. Some would prefer to hide their feelings or concerns because who wants to add more conflict to the mix?

Honestly, in order to have a truly happy marriage again, you have to let go of any hard feelings and you have to be willing to open your heart. But to do that, you have to feel safe. And you can’t feel safe if there are still some problems. Until you can release doubt and anger, there will always be a shadow over your heart.

Most of us really want to let go. But we are rational people. We have little voices in our heads telling us that we should always be on our guard because if we’re not, it’ll do it again. Or, we feel that if we let go of our anger, he will feel free to take advantage. All these things are understandable. But to get your happiness back, you have to work on asking for what you need to feel safe letting go of your anger. There is no magic formula. It takes time, tons of communication, and a colossal amount of effort. Some can do it through counseling and many do it on their own.

Also, I strongly believe that both people should be open to the idea that they deserve and want to claim their happiness. Sometimes the cheating spouse feels that he will never deserve happiness again. But insuring your own misery doesn’t help anyone. It does not benefit your spouse or children when you are miserable. Give yourself permission to be happy again, and then work very hard to get it back.

However, to answer the original concern, it seems that the statistics on couples becoming happy again after an affair are not so encouraging. But I know for a fact that these couples exist. I know many of them. I am one of them. Please don’t think it’s impossible. It’s not. You just have to believe. You have to work hard. And you have to keep going until you get there. Once you quit, you are virtually certain to fail. But if you keep going, even with setbacks, you’re still in the game.